Friday, December 14, 2012

The trick is to keep breathing.

"Write what you know".
This past year, I have used every possible excuse not to blog. Laziness, lack of time, lack of energy and even the crappy excuse that the world identifies as Writer's Block.
The truth is, I've always felt like I should write what I see, exactly how I see it. But, this year has made me question everything that I thought I knew. The things that I took for granted, now lie in a crumbled heap in some crevice of my mind. Revaluation is tough that way. When you're forced to confront things that you accept as fact, you realise the sheer incompleteness of your knowledge. I cannot write what I know, because I'm no longer sure if I know anything at all.

"Time heals all wounds"
Yeah right.
This is the number one fail-of-a-platitude that is force fed to you everytime life drops a bombshell. Because if enough time passes the pain has to ebb away, right? What a crock. It isn't going anywhere. You can't expect to wake up one morning and be magically cleansed of all the hurt you carry. If the source of your pain continues to be a thorn in your side, I can pretty much guarantee that you will want to punch a wall, or the person (if it is indeed a person causing the pain). And I'm sure forgiveness is great, it's greatly advocated for release and catharsis and whatnot. But what do you do when anger is all that you have left? When it is the last shred that you hang on to?

"Let it go"
This one is the worst. If it meant something, how do you let go of it? When you invest a part of yourself in anything, you have expectations. And when the expectations aren't fulfilled, you feel cheated. The worst part is, you can't even not invest yourself in things, because then you'll never feel anything at all. So in the delicate balance that keeps you weighed between believing and brushing it aside, you need to pick your battles carefully. Letting go is not always an option. Because sometimes it's an acknowledgement of failure. And nobody wants to fail, even while we subconsciously set ourselves up for it.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Not all those who wander are lost

Wanderlust. It's a rather beautiful term. I identify it with a whirl of colours, which seamlessly blend into a gypsy's skirt. I've always felt like travelling might be the answer to all of life's problems. After all, if you run far enough, you should be able to escape from whatever ties you down, right? Naturally, this sort of escapist thinking is about as naive as it gets, something I'm beginning to realise only now, after Nikita rather philosophically remarked to me that the hills will not provide any reprieve unless I am mentally sorted.

The title of this blog is part of a quote from Tolkien. I'd like to believe that that man had all the answers. Unfortunately, however, I find myself questioning this particular line of thought. Every journey, to my mind, is the search for meaning. People might argue and attribute things like holidays to a need for recharging batteries and whatnot. Though I feel like even this necessary "recharge" arises out of a need to find something that we may not even realise was missing. And no, it doesn't have to be a great, soul-searching, inspirational sort of self discovery. It can be as simple as finding a truly amazing pair of shoes after a hard fought bargain in some back corner of the back-of-beyond flea market in some unnamed holiday destination. Conversely, it may not be quite so trivial, and you might find yourself recovering a piece of you that you'd forgotten even existed.

Whatever the case may be, the point I'm trying to make is that anybody who wanders IS lost. Maybe not lost in an existential manner of speaking, or even literally. But don't get me wrong, wandering does not imply aimlessness. Not even for a second would I suggest something so high-handed. It's just that I feel like you cannot truly embark on any journey, without subconsciously searching for something. To imply otherwise would mean that we are truly fulfilled human beings who have reached our full potential of Jungian self actualisation. And God knows that's a crock. Because if you'd really reached that kind of happy place, would you seriously be sitting and reading my ramblings? Jussayin'

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead..

They say the best work is born out of pain.
The best stories are those that are told by a survivor, someone who has felt every angry brush stroke, someone who has written inspite of the tears smudging their words, someone who has experienced the sharp stabs of pain that heartbreak is wont to leave.

It's easy.
It is easy to feed off the pain. Channel the hurt into something productive. To "make something" of it all. You don't have to deal with it, just harness it.

What do you do when it confronts you? When it hits you and you have no defenses raised? What do you do when you're alone with your pain?
How do you deal with the gut-wrenching, soul-crushing, heart-breaking misery that you feel?

You go to the people who'll make you whole again. The ones who will patiently, piece by piece, put you back together. All the pain in the world isn't enough to deter them. Your pain won't seem trivial, or insignificant. They'll find a way to make it better without diminishing its worth. The ones you can call your own. They'll find you when you grieve what's breaking and they will mend it.

And someday, the pain will subside. Maybe not today.. Just, someday.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust

“Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof.”
- Kahlil Gibran

Faith is a hard thing to hold onto. You asked me how I can believe the in the things I do. You asked how I find the faith to look beyond what I see, towards all that I cannot possibly hope to see. All the tiny capricious turns of fate that I choose to make sense of, while you sit in a corner and scoff at the pointlessness of it all. You wondered at my blind faith in the unknown, my belief that everything will be alright no matter how crazy it may seem.

The truth is, I can never be completely convinced that I believe in the right things. That I'm putting my faith in the absolute, the unshakeable. I cannot be sure that my views are the right ones. How can I possibly be? There are so few things in the world that can be considered completely complete.. So then what makes my view the "right" one? What makes my faith seeem plausible?

There are no right answers when you think about faith and what it entails. How can there be? Isn't faith just a manifestation of oneself? Just another mirror that reflects who we truly are? The fact is, I have faith in my faith. And maybe that's all I need to know..

Monday, January 10, 2011

World Spins Madly On..

"The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on"

I love how the world somehow retains its momentum even when everything we've ever known is crumbling. There are times in our lives when nothing seems to be going anywhere, when we're reduced to shells. We're left wondering whether we'll ever be able to bounce back from the sheer tragedy of it all.

We're innately self centred. We like to believe that the world ends with every painful wail, every sorrowful sigh, every disillusioned teardrop. But that's not the way it is.. The sun will always rise no matter how bleak the night is. The lotus will find its way over the surface of the marsh, rising above the murky waters. People will surprise you, just as you begin to lose hope in them.

See, that's the thing about the world. No matter how painful things get, no matter how much sorrow comes our way, no matter how many times we're reduced to mere fragments of who we used to be... It'll still go on. Somehow, we can take comfort in the fact that the world will continue its mad dance in spite of our personal failures. And even as we're dusting ourselves off and tending to the bruises, we'll slowly beginning twirling along with it..

Thursday, December 2, 2010

"At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.”
-Meredith Grey,
Grey's Anatomy

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

And the fight for you is all I've ever known..

Sometimes I wonder why we hold on to things the way we do. Why is it that we find it so hard to let go? Of what we used to know, what we thought we knew, what we wanted to believe we knew..

I know it all sounds rather convoluted.
Why would we fight for things that aren't really even on the periphery of who we are any longer?
Why would we hold on to things that do nothing but hold us back?
Why would we cling onto mere fragments of things we used to know simply because they happen to be things we used to know?!

I think it's because to some extent, things we used to know are a part of who we are today. They don't necessarily define us, but the battle scars we bear are a symbol of everything we've come through, everything we stood for, everything that led us to this moment.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Somehow I felt this odd sort of Déjà vu when I wrote this..

Creamy white
Thick parchment

Fallen tears
Blotted imperfection

Sheer frustration
Discarded thoughts

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Songs for you, truths for me..

What is it about reality that makes it so hard for us to face? Is it the fact that it's so blatantly in-your-face that it's simply easier to ignore? Is it because we don't want to believe certain things because if we do, we'll have to rethink everything we've ever known as "the truth"? Is it because we don't want to step out of the happy little bubble we tend to live in?

I've always believed in the "grey". The disputed. The arguable. The interpretation. After all, isn't everything subjective? Isn't the point of the myriad differences that define us, to see things in our own unique way? We can't possibly all conforn to just one way of thinking.

But what do you do when reality hits you in the face? What do you do when it proves that you've been wrong all along? What do you do when there's nothing you can say or do to change it? Because no matter how much you argue it, the reality isn't really "grey", is it? It's harsh. It's painful. It's heartbreaking. But in a world full of people who bend the truth to suit themselves, it's the only thing that's still absolute...

Monday, November 8, 2010

Raindrops on Roses

I love:

1. TSRS Uncensored - school magazine and my editorial board :)
2. Bitching sessions with Siddhant, who adamantly retains that "Boys don't bitch"!
3. Cristina Yang and Meredith Grey's friendship.. "You're my person" type.
4. Audrey Hepburn movies (How to Steal a Million, Sabrina and Roman Holiday are my top 3!)
5. Dressing up. Applying, removing and then reapplying a ton of makeup and trying on a million different things before picking the right outfit
6. Kahlil Gibran
7. Being able to pick up the phone and just dial without thinking to pour my heart out. And knowing that even if they tell me I'm a world class idiot, no matter what, some people will still be there to catch me if I fall..
8. Elif Shafak's 'Forty Rules of Love'
9. School - I even love school lunch now. *sigh* the thought of graduation does that to you
10. People watching
11. One Tree Hill (Lucas Scott + Nathan Scott + The Soundtrack + the voiceovers)
12. Personification
13. Lord Byron + Tennyson + Wordsworth
14. Joshua Radin's huskily awesome songs
15. Mocha lattes and cinnamon sugar doughnuts
16. History classes with Vasavdatta ma'am :)
17. Glitter pens, coloured post its, rainbow paper clips and all kinds of cool stationery
18. Shakespearan sonnets
19. Piggy Ducky Cow
20. The fact that I'm the only person I know who can finish an entire Death by Chocolate at Sweet Obssessions
21. Dancing to songs playing in my head
22. Vanilla perfume
23. FOREVER 21 - My second home. Oh and that the guy at the counter recognizes me now. (He winks at me everytime I'm there!)
24. Pretty shoes that make you feel all princess-y
25. Procrastinating
26. Nanking - the restaurant, not the province
27. Pink bows
28. Memoirs of a Geisha- Hatsumomo's my favourite!
29. Poignant quotes that somehow sum up everything entirely and dreaming about days when somebody will feel that way about things I write! ;)
30. Lying on an endless stream of golf-course type green grass and trying to discern shapes in the clouds
31. Making lists about everything we've left to do and hoping that caramel popcorn and movie marathon day will finally come:)
32. Being told that I'm the tiniest chief in the history of chiefs- it makes me feel special :P
33. Winnie the Pooh- especially Piglet :*
34. Happy endings